Is Venting a Form of Self-care? | Episode 5 | Reviving Vet Med

It can feel so good to vent and tell someone our frustrations. In fact, airing our grievances can feel like self-care in the moment, as it brings a sense of connection and stress relief. 

However, studies demonstrate that venting can have harmful effects on our stress levels and relationships, especially when it is not done productively. 

During this episode, I share ways that venting can be helpful, as well as tips for setting boundaries when it comes to someone else's venting.

Video Version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF-inY35O5Q&list=PLSg17Xf-rT1-e4zMj5UhYf_ecmYdqO4k7&index=13

Resources

The Harmful Effects of Venting and How to Stop It https://marieholowaychuk.com/2021/07/07/the-harmful-effects-of-venting-and-how-to-stop-it/

The role of co-rumination and adrenocortical attunement in young women’s close friendships https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0306453018302051?via%3Dihub

Online Programs

To learn more about our 4- and 8-week online programs approved for CE credit in jurisdictions that recognize RACE, please visit:
https://revivingvetmed.com/programs/

Newsletter

For more practical pointers and tangible tips related to veterinary mental health and wellbeing, subscribe to our e-newsletter:
https://revivingvetmed.kartra.com/page/newsletter

Questions or Suggestions
Email podcast@revivingvetmed.com

Transcript

Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of Reviving Vet Med. In today's episode, we are going to be discussing venting, and the decision to use this topic for this month's podcast actually came from one of my followers who sent me an email and said, a little bit of venting seems therapeutic, but too much seems toxic. How do we strike a balance? I loved this question, and this question is what inspired me to do a bit of digging into the research, and we're going to cover all of that information today. So, to break it down, topics included in today's session include defining venting, discussing the different types of venting, the pros and cons to venting, and recognizing that the way in which we vent matters.

I'm also going to share with you five tips for reducing venting, and what to do when you have a co-worker or friend who is constantly venting. How do you set boundaries with that individual? So really looking forward to today's episode. There's lots of really practical and tangible tips for you to take away. So, as always, please note that this episode was previously recorded using live video, therefore, some of the audio might not be of the best quality, and of course, there may be some interactions with the live viewers.

With that said, I'm really excited to share this information with you, so let's get into the episode. This is the Reviving Vet Med podcast, and I'm your host, Dr. Marie Holowaychuk. My mission is to improve the mental health and well-being of veterinary professionals around the world. Alright.

So, this session actually came about in honor of self-care day. So, July 24, that was this past Saturday, was International Self Care Day. I hope everyone took the opportunity to do even just the slightest, bit of self-care for yourself. And we're gonna talk more a little bit about what self-care looks like, and you might be surprised maybe what you thought was self-care over the weekend actually was not supporting your self-care. So, we're gonna dig a little bit deeper into that.

But, you know, it, actually came up for me, due to a suggestion that was made by one of my followers who asked me a question about venting. And I got to thinking, you know, I think some of us feel that venting is helpful for our self-care. But the truth is that it may not actually be the case. And so that's where this topic came from. So, what is venting?

If you ask the urban dictionary, they will tell you that to it venting is to let off steam by saying everything that's on your mind, usually out of anger. And psychologists call venting co rumination, and psychologists define venting more so as repeatedly extensively discussing problems and negative feelings with others. I think this is a I love the term co-rumination, of course, as a veterinary audience. Of course, we think of cows and other ruminants, but this apparently applies to humans as well. So, believe it or not, there are actually two main types of venting.

So, you can do venting on your own as an individual with what they term individual venting. And this can be in the form of verbal venting, where a person just might scream at the top of their lungs or, you know, shout something out loud even though no one else can hear. This could be written venting. So, we see this nowadays most commonly in the form of online rants or, you know, very strongly worded negative reviews. And then there can be physical venting.

A person might, you know, punch a wall or throw a pillow or something like that. The other type of venting is interpersonal venting, and this is where a person vents to someone else. And we're gonna dig deeper into that. So, I want to, before we dig deeper in interpersonal venting, I wanna talk about this this conception or perception that individual venting, you know, like just screaming or punching something, somehow, you know, lets the anger go and is a good thing. And there's actually research to acknowledge and demonstrate that individual venting actually reinforces anger.

So, several studies have looked at this and have demonstrated signs of increased aggression after individual venting compared to people who engaged in interpersonal venting, which actually had more calm emotions afterwards. So, while it might seem like that this is a response, it's gonna help me just to, you know, get rid of this discharge, this negative energy, get rid of it. It's actually the opposite effect can happen when you're doing this on your own. So, there are a lot of perceived benefits of interpersonal venting. And, you know, I don't dispute a lot of these.

I think that we've all experienced this. I think if you have individuals that you can connect with in a safe space where something's really weighing on you, that you can talk it out and you are not going to fear ramifications, of that. I think that there's a lot of comfort to be had in that. Certainly, if you find someone who agrees with you or shares your perspective or understands where you're coming from, like, maybe this is somebody else who works in the veterinary industry and so you're venting about something work related and you feel a connection with them. Remember, connection is a sense of belonging and a sense of not feeling alone.

So, we can certainly garner that from venting as well. And then even better, if we can, vent with somebody who has experienced the same thing, they're going to be able to express empathy. So, you know, a real understanding of what we're experiencing is like, oh my gosh, I know what you mean. I had the exact same thing happened to me with a client last week. Again, there can be a lot of comfort in that.

However, I do wanna share with you that there is this idea that no matter what the venting is, but even with interpersonal venting, you kinda wanna think of it as putting an ice cube in a really hot beverage. Okay? So, you're gonna get a little bit of a cooling effect on the top of that beverage. So, on our sort of superficial layer of self, we're going to feel maybe a little bit less heightened, a little bit less angry. But there's still the underlying issue or anger festering underneath because we haven't actually done anything to address the problem.

Okay? So, bear that in mind. So, the reason why this happens is because venting is really about the problem. It's not fixing the problem. So, what happens then is if we vent about this, you know, problem with one of our coworkers and it's like, oh my gosh, I can't believe it.

You know, they always show up late and it's so irritating and then I'm the one that's staying at the end of the day. If you are not actually addressing that situation, then that situation is potentially going to repeat itself, which is going to ignite these, you know, wounds that you have, these frustrations that you've already felt, and it's going to lead to more frustration, more anger, and probably more venting. Venting also deflects personal responsibility. So again, when we vent, we tend to vent about something or about someone. Very often when we're venting, this is implying that you were in in the right, they were in the wrong, and unfortunately, that's a little bit unproductive when it comes to actually addressing the problem.

Remember, especially when we're venting about an interpersonal situation, there is no situation that exists in this world with another person that you aren't inherently also involved in, if you know what I'm saying. So, what I mean by that is you might be very frustrated by something somebody else has done, but you're playing a role in that either by triggering them to do that in some way or by not addressing their behavior and letting them know, look, this isn't okay with me. So again, you need to take responsibility for what you're bringing to these situations and these relationships because the situation is not going to change unless you take responsibility for your role in it. Even if it's just your responsibility of I need to bring this up to this person because this isn't okay, and I don't want this to keep happening. So, venting can also become habits.

So, I think we can all agree that venting triggers more venting. If I hear someone venting, then I might feel like I need to chime in and start venting. Or I know for me on some days where I'm feeling less emotionally regulated, maybe I didn't get enough sleep, or you know something you know triggered me first thing in the morning. I feel like it kind of sets a cascade of events for the day that I sort of continue to bring up more and more venting as the day goes on. Very often too, we use venting to justify moods and to validate behaviors.

So, it's like we had this rant session and it's like, you know, for the rest of the day it's like, well, I'm just, you know, so pissed off by what that client said to me earlier today or that conversation I had with the manager. And then that's just again, that kind of sets the tone for the rest of the day. And again, what we know based on some research studies is that venting, if we're doing it habitually, it actually increases stress and misery in the long term. So, we need to be very mindful about how we're venting and who we're venting to prevent this build-up of stress. And if you think about it, when we get into that venting mode, we get so animated and so heightened.

We're often reliving the situation over and over where we're, you know, prompting that fight or flight stress response to kick in so the cortisol is going up and, you know, our again, it's like our body is reliving the experience that's not going to be good for us repeated over and over and over. So, I think you need to ask yourself, have you ever felt worse after venting to someone? And again, depending on how you're venting and who you're venting to, the response might simply be no. I actually feel a lot better. I feel like, you know, I can walk away a little bit lighter.

But if the response to this question, have you felt worse after venting to someone is yes, then I think it's important to look at this. And why might this be? And what could you do differently. And I know certainly for me, I really have to watch myself because it's rare that if I am truly venting and just, you know, basically talking about something rather than trying to process or fix something, I come away feeling worse than I did before. So, I talked about this, I touched on this previously, the fact that venting can fuel the stress response.

So, we've actually looked at, there's actually been research looking at co-rumination among young women. And what they found is that talking excessively about problems actually increases those salivary cortisol levels. So, we know it's fueling the stress response and amplifying the hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis or the HPA axis. And we know this based on cortisol measurements in the saliva. So, there's no doubt that co-rumination, even when you feel like you're, you know, commiserating among friends, can actually have negative effects.

So, let's dig deeper into how we can actually resolve this or what we might do differently. And you might be interested to find out that the way that you vent actually does matter. So, again, there's these phrases that the psychologists have put towards venting, and they delineate co brooding, as one form of venting. And this this type of co brooding is where we're talking about problems in a passive way. So hence the term brooding.

We're just sort of festering in it. We're wallowing in it. We're passively talking about it. And research actually suggests that co brooding increases depressive symptoms. So, I'm giving you, I'm going to give you some examples here.

So, you know, something like I just wish clients could be nicer or I just want work to slow down, or I worry about another pandemic wave. So, we're just sort of wallowing in our thoughts and going over and over and over this wanting, hoping, wishing for things to be different, but actually not doing anything about it. One of the other reasons why co brooding can also be detrimental to our well-being is it can actually create conflict in our relationships. So again, we might think that we're connecting or commiserating with somebody, but if we're in a constant state of co brooding, then this places strain on our relationships with friends, coworkers, and partners because they feel like they're a constant sounding board or punching bag. They're like, oh my gosh.

Like, do we are we really talking about this again? Or every time I talk to Marie, you know, she's always complaining about work or, you know, she's going off on these rants, and I just feel like, you know, that I'm just like a sounding board or a punching bag for her. It can be really hard. And especially when the time together with these other people is monopolized by co brooding or focusing on your problems, this can really start to build resentment when the other person, number one, feels dragged down by this, but number two, feels like there's no opportunity for them to share about what's going on in their lives. So, we do really need to be cognizant of this.

Now the flip side of co brooding is a phrase that psychologists use called coreflection. So, this is where we are reflecting back on the problem in an active way, and research would suggest that this actually lessens symptoms of depression. So, in these situations, we're actually considering what happened in order to better understand it. And in doing that, we then start to think about how we might resolve it, how we might fix it. So, what might this look like in conversation?

I wonder how we can better communicate with clients to reduce their anxiety, or maybe we could adjust the schedule to accommodate the higher caseload. Or you know what? I think I'm gonna avoid large gatherings until more of the population is vaccinated. Okay? So, it's not just wishing, hoping, wanting, wallowing for things to be different or about something that's happening.

It's, you know what? Maybe this could work. Or perhaps we could try that. Or you know what? I'm gonna talk to this person about that.

You're processing through what's happening. These conversations are intended to find solutions for the problem, to prevent the situation from happening again, and to determine what action can be taken to address the problem. So, again, these are proactive productive conversations. So that said, I do wanna share with you five tips for reducing venting. So overall, I think it would serve us to keep our venting to a minimum, for all of the reasons that we talked about because it can have an impact on stress especially, if we are erring more on the side of co brooding rather than co reflection.

And the number one tip I'm going to share with you is to simply limit the time that you spend venting. This is something I really try to be mindful of. So as soon as you notice yourself venting, say, okay. I'm gonna give myself five more minutes to just hash this out and then we're gonna talk about something different. And I think we've all been there with friends especially when we go out with friends who are also in the veterinary industry.

We find ourselves, you know, the conversation sort of, you know, veers off into work. And then before we know it, we've just been on and on and on about these work-related issues. And it's like, okay. You know what? Let's wrap this conversation up so that we can get on to something more positive, something more uplifting, something not work-related.

Tip number two is to reach out to someone who can help. So, this is where you wanna be really mindful about who you are co reflecting or venting with. You wanna discuss your problems with an intention to understand and solve them. So maybe sometimes talking to your partner about the problem when he or she or they are not in the veterinary industry, that's potentially not going to be helpful. And they might also start to get really tired of hearing you talk about work all the time, especially if they don't fully comprehend, you know, everything it is that you're going through.

So, find someone to process this stuff with who you know can relate to what you're sharing. I had actually something I just started back in the clinic last week and I had a really a situation that that that really caused me to feel very upset and I, was immediately triggered by it and it would have been very easy for me to, you know, call somebody up and just rant. And I actually was in touch with a friend of mine, and I had the opportunity to share the situation. And I intentionally did not because I did not feel that that she would be able to sort of help me process through it in a meaningful way. And I actually tabled the conversation to a time when I was getting together with a different friend of mine who I knew would understand is a little bit closer to this situation, that impacted me and that we could talk through meaningful solutions.

And that's exactly what we did. You know, I said, you know, I think I'm gonna address this in this way, and what do you think about this language, and this is what I think I'm gonna say. So, finding someone who can offer an outside perspective, maybe give advice. And maybe if you're really just triggered by a situation and you can't really put your finger on what the issue is, maybe they can help you identify what's happening, and then from there, think of ways to fix it. Tip number three is to practice mindfulness.

So, this is where tuning into the present moment and being aware of what is going on in the present moment is so helpful. So, listen to yourself, notice things. Is your tone of voice, you know, raising? Is your posture tightening? Do you feel tense in your body?

What thoughts are going through your head? You know, do you feel certain emotions coming up? You know, do you feel that anger, frustration, resentment bubbling up? If you notice these things and you notice that they tend to be a precursor to having an urge to vent, then you want to be able to recognize it and take a pause before you launch into the venting. So, mindfulness is such a beautiful tool.

I call it the buffer. It creates the buffer between that internal reaction in your body, those thoughts, feelings, and sensations that come up, and what sort of response that you engage externally. Okay? So, practicing mindfulness and really just taking note of when you feel the urge to vent can even stop that from happening. Tip number four is to reframe the situation.
So, when you do find yourself in a situation where you just wanna scream, you wanna shout about it, you're so irritated, can you reframe it? Can you change the way you look at the situation? So, I go back to the examples I've kind of been weaving throughout this conversation. So maybe the owner's having a really bad day, or you know what? My coworker has a lot going on at home, or you know what?

People are doing the best they can to survive this pandemic. Right? So, reframing or changing your viewpoint is kind of like zooming out. Like, we take a step back. We see the bigger picture.

We consider someone else's perspective, we maybe engage in a little empathy, what could they be going through. That can really help just to bring those emotions down and basically really remove that urge to one event with or to someone. And then tip number five is to use healthier ways to discharge stress. So, I'm a huge fan of exercise. You know, exercise is a great way not just to keep our bodies healthy, but to keep our minds healthy.

It's a great emotional regulator. You do wanna prioritize sleep. I know for me especially and it's hard. Those of us who have young children at home, sleep can be interrupted but you can still make a point of getting to bed earlier versus staying up late, you know, and when you could be potentially sleeping. So, making sleep a priority, sleep is so important.

Remember for our emotional regulation, when we sleep our subconscious mind is actually processing a lot of the things that happen during the day. And I know for me, when this particular situation happened to me on Thursday, I intentionally did not deal with it until I could at least get one sleep under my belt, knowing that I would better be able to process, that situation and make a plan moving forward after I felt more rested. Getting out in nature, taking the dog for a walk, going to get a massage, engaging in some sort of self-care for your physical body, self-care for your mind, maybe talking to someone who's a professional who might really be able to help you determine, you know, what do you bring to this situation versus what is this this other person bringing to this situation, if it is a situation that involves a person. So, I wanna go back to the initial question then, self-care. So, is venting a form of self-care?

And I think you probably know the answer to this, based on what I shared. But I wanna remind you that self-care is proactive. Self-care is how we build up our reserves to better handle stress. So, case in point, I have four clinic shifts this week. I need to make sure knowing that those are going to be stressful for me that I have built up the reserves to deal with those.

So, what did I do this weekend? I got out in nature. I connected with my family. I saw a couple of friends. I cooked a bunch of healthy meals.

I prioritized my sleep. You know, process through some emotional things. I did all of those things to build up my reserves to be able to get through the stressful shifts that are coming up. So, when it comes to venting, venting is much more of a coping strategy. This is something we do after the stress.

This is something we do as a short term means of coping. It does not help us in the long run. Self-care is not only proactive, but it's health promoting. We know that venting is not necessarily health promoting. It can actually be stress inducing.

So, if you do vent, recognize this is a coping strategy, this is not a self-care mechanism, and, and make sure that you are engaging in other forms of self-care. So, what about when it comes to someone who comes up to you and just says, you know what? I just need to vent. And so, they may or may not be asking for permission. Hopefully, they are.

But you wanna take a step back and ask yourself, is this the right topic for me to be the recipient of venting? Is this the right timing? Is this circumstance, okay? Like, I'll get into this in just a moment. And what is your emotional capacity to be the recipient of someone's venting?

Now for the topic, is this something that you can help the person with? Or is this going to be a conflict of interest for you? Maybe they feel like they need to vent about your boss, and you don't really feel comfortable to be included in that. What's the timing like? Are you, like, just getting ready to go into a surgery and it's like, you know what?

I've got a dog under anesthesia. Like, I need to get going here. Maybe you need to table that. And then the circumstances, again, you might see someone gearing up to vent, and you might know that the owner is in the next room and could potentially hear them. And then finally, like I said, your emotional battery, you wanna take a lot of care to make sure that you have the emotional reserves to not be dragged down or further depleted by this person who is doing the venting.

So, when a person is venting, you wanna try to shift them from a state of co brooding to a state of co reflection. So, help them to identify and analyze the problem in order to try to solve or prevent it. So, you might say, what do you see as the problem here? Or how do you want the situation to change? As a coach, you know, it's really important that the best way to get a person to take action in their life is for them to come up with a solution versus you giving them the advice and them deciding whether or not to take it.

So, this is why we use these open-ended questions, put your coach hat on, and get them to look at what happened and say, like, what do you think is going on here? If that is not prompting them and they just wanna keep venting, then take a step back and just say, okay. What can I do to help? Like, what do you need from me in this situation? Maybe they just want you to listen.

Maybe they want you to share your perspective. Like, what do you think is going on? And maybe they, you know, genuinely are looking to you for advice. I think that this is a really important thing to establish even before you get into this venting conversation or as you hear a person kinda gearing up to, like, launch into something. Just say, woah.

Woah. Woah. What do you need from me in this conversation? Because otherwise, if you listen with your advice hat on and they're not ready to hear your advice, that's not going to be productive. Versus if you're just listening to listen, maybe just mhmm, nodding, expressing empathy.

Gosh. I'm so sorry that happened. Sympathy, you know, maybe that is all that they're looking for in that moment. And honestly, you might have to establish a healthy boundary. So, here's a bit of verbiage just to help you.

One example would be, you know what? I'd like to give you my full attention and help you sort through this, but right now, I have to concentrate on finishing my medical records. Can we catch up for a few minutes when we're both done work? K? So, you're letting them know you do wanna help, but right now you're busy.

You're setting that boundary, but then you are offering a time to connect. You might not be in a situation where you want to connect with this person, and so the verbiage might sound a little bit different. You might say, you know what? I've got a lot on my plate right now, and I am feeling super depleted myself. Could we table this conversation for another time when I have more emotional bandwidth?

K? So, I've had to do this with individuals as well, and I think it is important to honor that. If you feel like you're not gonna be able to be what this person needs you to be in this conversation, then feel welcome to bow out. You're protecting yourself too because these conversations can be exhausting. If you're already feeling exhausted, this is the last thing that you wanna be doing.

So, honour that boundary. Otherwise, remember when we have unhealthy boundaries, that's where that resentment and frustration pop up, and you don't want that to impact your relationship with this person. Okay. So that was a lot of information about venting. I'm gonna share with you some key takeaways from our episode today.

So, remember that venting can have some benefits and drawbacks, especially depending on how it's done. There are some easy steps that you can take to reduce the amount of time and energy spent vending venting. So, remember recognize that, honor that, and know that you will have to engage in other forms of true self care to be able to replenish yourself and build up those stores to cope with stress. And then last tip for today, you can set boundaries with others to reduce your exposure to venting. So don't be afraid to set those boundaries and to honour them.

So that's it for this episode of Reviving Vet Med. I want to take a moment to thank the person who emailed me the question for this month's episode. I'm just so grateful for it. It really led me down the path of researching venting and all the pros and cons and ways that it impacts us on a mental well well-being level. I really hope that you took away some tangible tools and tips to help reduce venting in your own life or to help limit your exposure to someone else's venting.

As with every episode, I urge you to think about one thing that you can do right away after listening. And if you can take some time to subscribe to this podcast, I'd really appreciate it. You can also leave a rating and review to help others decide whether they might benefit from this content as well. And before I go, I'd also like to thank my podcasting superhero Darby Rolfe for producing this episode. And of course, I'd like to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to listen.

I hope you'll tune in to the next episode and in the meantime take care of yourself, stay well.