Setting Boundaries and Saying No in Veterinary Medicine | Episode 52 | Reviving Vet Med

In the demanding field of veterinary medicine, establishing clear boundaries and learning to say no are essential skills for fostering resilience and maintaining mental health. Many veterinary professionals struggle with the pressure to take on extra responsibilities, leading to feelings of overwhelm and a sense of losing control. Recognizing the importance of setting limits is crucial for personal wellbeing, as it allows individuals to prioritize their needs and sustain their passion for the profession.

In this episode, we focus on the power of boundaries and the art of saying no in veterinary practice. We share practical strategies for identifying your limits and communicating them effectively, helping you cultivate a healthier work-life balance. By empowering yourself to set boundaries, you can enhance your resilience, protect your mental health, and create a more sustainable approach to your career.

Resources
Identifying unhealthy boundaries in veterinary medicine (podcast episode 39): https://revivingvetmed.buzzsprout.com/2011463/episodes/13067280-identifying-unhealthy-boundaries-in-veterinary-medicine-episode-39-reviving-vet-med 

Simple statements for setting boundaries and saying no (PDF download): https://revivingvetmed.kartra.com/page/simplestatements 

Five tips for building better boundaries (aka saving your sanity!) (blog): https://revivingvetmed.com/five-tips-building-better-boundaries-aka-saving-sanity/ 

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Transcript

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Hey everyone. Welcome to another episode of Reviving Vet Med. In today's episode, we're diving into a topic that I think is incredibly important for all veterinarians: setting boundaries and learning to say no. Now, I know what you're thinking. Boundaries? Saying no? That's easier said than done. And you know what? You're absolutely right. But today, we're going to unpack why these skills are crucial for our wellbeing. And I'm going to walk you through some actionable strategies to make boundary setting a part of your everyday life.

So whether you're a vet tech, a veterinarian, or a practice manager, or anybody else in the veterinary space, these tools can make a world of difference. So with that said, let's go ahead and get into the episode. This is the Reviving Vet Med podcast and I'm your host, Dr. Marie Holowaychuk. My mission is to improve the mental health and wellbeing of veterinary professionals around the world.

So I want to start by acknowledging the realities that we face in veterinary medicine. Long hours, emotional exhaustion, and the constant pressure to be available to our clients, patients, and sometimes our colleagues. Many of us are struggling to find that balance between our professional obligations and our personal lives. I hear this all the time when I talk to people in our space that we all want to be team players. We want to help every animal that comes through the door. But then where does that leave us? Well, I can speak from experience and say that it'll leave us burnt out, exhausted and questioning if we can keep doing this long term. 

So you might remember that back in episode 39, which I will link to in the show notes, I talked about how to identify unhealthy boundaries in veterinary medicine. 

And today, we are going to springboard off of that and focus on why boundaries are essential for maintaining resilience and balance in our lives. And of course, most importantly, how we can start setting them. And along with setting boundaries comes saying no. So we're going to talk about that important skill as well. So let's begin by talking about resilience. This is a word that comes up often when we discuss wellbeing in vet medicine. Resilience is that ability to bounce back from challenges. In other words, it's not about letting those setbacks, failures, or overwhelming stress that we experience drag us down permanently. 

Because in a profession like ours, we've got difficult cases, emotional client interactions, and constant demands that are just a part of everyday practice life. Resilience really is key for us. But resilience isn't something that just happens by accident. It's not something people are just born with. It is cultivated through self-awareness, self-care, and, you guessed it, boundaries. So I think we can all agree that the veterinary profession often promotes a culture of giving everything. And sometimes that comes at the expense of our own needs. People take extra shifts, they stay late to finish their paperwork, or they squeeze in one more emergency at the end of the day, all because we feel responsible. We feel responsible for all the animals and all of our clients out there. 

And while these behaviours might seem noble in the short term, over time, they will drain our emotional and physical resources. So think about boundaries like this. They are the foundation of resilience. Boundaries are what protect your energy, they're what preserve your emotional resources, and they're what give you the space to recover. Because without boundaries, it's like running a marathon with no time to stop, rest or refuel. Eventually, you will hit the wall. So how do we build better boundaries? I think everybody can attest to the fact that most of us aren't great at setting limits, especially in a profession that rewards going the extra mile. But if we are going to survive in veterinary medicine and hopefully thrive, it's essential that we learn to set boundaries. 

So, as I've mentioned in our earlier episode number 39, unhealthy boundaries will look like letting other people dictate our schedules or going against our values to please others. Maybe it's agreeing to take on a last-minute case that you don't have time for or not speaking up when a colleague's behaviour is negatively impacting you and your work. All of these are examples of boundaries being crossed. 

Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, are what allow us to protect our time, to maintain our energy, and to preserve our emotional wellbeing. So how do we build them? Well, the first step to setting boundaries is knowing where your limits are. That means taking time to reflect on what you can and cannot tolerate. That is emotionally, physically, or mentally. For example, what situations drain you? What types of tasks make you feel overwhelmed or even anxious? 

And in our profession, specifically, what morally stressful situations do you encounter that cross your ethical boundaries? So I want you to take a moment to think about this. Is it the never-ending medical record-keeping tasks, the constant interruptions from clients, or the unrealistic expectations from management? 

By identifying these limits, you can begin to understand where you need to draw the line. So for me personally, I'll use an example. I used to struggle with saying no to speaking engagements or attending conferences. Every time somebody reached out to me, it was like, I can't pass this up. I can't say no. And then I realized that overcommitment meant sacrificing time with my family. And to be honest, it just really started to erode my sense of balance. So recognizing my limits in this regard has made a world of difference for me. 

So next I want to talk about paying attention to those red flags, those emotional cues that pop up when our boundaries are being crossed. And for me, resentment is a big one. If you find yourself feeling bitter or exhausted after you say yes to something, that should be a major clue that you've allowed your boundaries to slide. Some other feelings might be feelings of discomfort, like that knot in your stomach, or the sudden urge to cry after a tough conversation. All of these are signals from your body that something is off. And the sooner we learn to recognize these signals, the sooner that we can address them. 

So for instance, if you consistently feel worn down after taking on an extra shift, ask yourself, what's happening? Is this guilt? Am I feeling pressure from my colleagues or clients? What are these expectations that I'm imposing on myself or that I'm feeling externally that are driving this feeling? And what can I do to shift this? So here's where things get tricky when it comes to setting boundaries, and that's being direct. 

So for some of us, it feels uncomfortable to assert our boundaries, especially in a field where we're often seen as caregivers and helpers. But in order to maintain healthy boundaries, sometimes we have to be firm and clear. So if your colleague or boss is crossing your boundaries, you need to communicate your limits directly. And this doesn't mean that you have to be harsh or unkind, but it does mean being assertive. Remember, people aren't mind readers and it's your responsibility to advocate for your needs. 

I think I consistently hear people say, well, they should just know not to call me outside of hours or I already worked six days on this schedule. They should know I can't take on another shift. But it's just not realistic to think that people are going to be constantly looking out for you and what you need.

So, let's say a client consistently calls after hours for non-urgent questions. What you might say to them is, "I understand your concerns, and I need to clarify that I'm only available for emergencies after hours." I can address these sorts of questions during regular clinic hours. Being direct in these situations can protect both your time and emotional energy. And like I said, there's still room for empathy, right? 

It's of course, understanding that a pet owner or animal caregiver might not know the difference between an urgent or emergent question and something that's not urgent. They're just worried. They want to reach out. So sometimes just a gentle reminder for them about what is an emergency is going to be helpful in asserting those boundaries. Now, one of the things where I think people get stuck on routinely is giving ourselves permission to set boundaries. For many of us, that's really the hardest part. 

I think the reason for that is that there's a lot of guilt involved in saying no. We worry that we'll disappoint somebody or that we will be perceived as less dedicated to our work. But here's the thing: Boundaries are actually a sign of self-respect, and they are essential for our mental health and wellbeing. 

So tell yourself you deserve to protect your time. You deserve to honour your emotional and physical limits. And when you give yourself permission to do this, you are ultimately allowing yourself to be more effective as a veterinary care provider in the long term. Think about it this way. When you're well-rested, emotionally balanced and not stretched thin, you are able to bring your best self to work. You're a better vet, you're a better colleague, and you're a better leader.

This was something that it took me a long time to get my head wrapped around. And it wasn't until I recognized that I had made a few mistakes at work or I showed up as a version of myself that I didn't want to be for my daughter, as her mom, that I really made the commitment to recognizing that not only do I deserve this time, I need this time so that I can show up as the best version of myself. So boundaries aren't something that you set once and then forget about it. This is a constant practice, and it's one that requires ongoing self-awareness. So if you notice yourself slipping back into old habits like we often do, it's important to pause and ask, what's changed? Maybe you're feeling overwhelmed because you've taken on too many projects, or maybe you've stopped carving out time for self-care. 

Self-awareness is the key to staying in tune with your needs. So please, I encourage you to check in with yourself regularly. Ask yourself what's working and what's not. And if you've allowed your boundaries to slide, don't be hard on yourself. Just recalibrate and start again. 

So the next point I want to talk about is really important, and this one is that many of us have a history of neglecting our own needs in favour of others. It might be a habit that we developed early on, or maybe it's a byproduct of the culture of overwork that is so prevalent in vet medicine. But either way, it is crucial to recognize when this pattern is showing up in your life and to consciously shift away from it. 

So, if you have always been the go-to person for extra shifts or late-night calls, it's going to feel really uncomfortable at first to say no and to set those boundaries. That's normal. But remember, you're not just protecting yourself, you are also setting an example for others as well. You might be giving someone else permission to set their own boundaries. So, on that note, I can't stress enough how important it is to make self-care a priority. And I know what you're thinking. Self-care sounds like a buzzword, but it really is so much more than bubble baths and yoga. True self-care is about recognizing what you need to be at your best and unapologetically carving out time for it. So when you prioritize yourself, you're building that foundation for stronger boundaries. 

When you're rested, when you're energized, when you're centred, it becomes easier to say no to the things that don't serve you and yes to the things that align with your values. So, speaking of saying no, I want to talk about the thing that most of us struggle with, which is that two-letter word no. We're in a profession where we're constantly helping others and it can be hard to draw the line. But saying no really is essential to maintaining your health, preventing burnout, and fostering resilience. So when new opportunities and obligations come your way, it's really important to evaluate them. This might be somebody asking you for a favour or to take on an extra task. If that happens, you want to ask yourself a few key questions: does this align with my priorities or my values? 

Will this add a lot of stress to my life? And am I thinking of saying yes out of guilt or obligation? And that last one is key because, let's face it, I think we're all guilty of saying yes because we feel like we should, right? I think you've probably heard me say this before, but we all need to stop shoulding on ourselves. That was something a good friend of mine and a social worker said to me years ago. Marie, stop shoulding on yourself. And what she was saying to me is that stop acting from a place of wanting to avoid disappointing someone or feeling pressure to prove myself. Because when we say yes, when we're already stretched thin, it's not sustainable. It's just going to lead to exhaustion. And very often, as is the case for me, it leads to resentment. 

And that's not how I want to show up. And P.S. That's not how the other people want you to show up. If you feel like saying no, then say no. And here are some tools for saying no without the guilt. First of all, you can use no as a complete sentence. I think sometimes we overcomplicate things, especially those of us who identify as women. We feel like we have to explain ourselves. We feel like we have to justify things. The word no can be used as a complete sentence. Just say it confidently and directly. And if you're Canadian like me, then you might say no, thank you. If you feel like dressing it up a little bit. 

Number two is to be brief and be honest. If you do want to offer any sort of explanation, keep it really simple. Don't fabricate reasons. Don't make anything up. Honesty is always the best policy. And don't feel like you do have to give a laundry list of reasons why you're saying no. Just a simple I'm sorry, I don't have time for that right now works wonders. 

The third trick is to visualize saying yes. So this is a strategy that I use often in my life, is that if I am asked to do something, I will take a moment to pause and to think about what my life will look like if I say yes. Will I feel stressed, anxious or resentful? Or will I feel happy, excited and fulfilled? If your gut reaction to saying yes is one of discomfort, then it's important that you politely say no. 

And then the fourth key when it comes to saying no is to remember that Practice makes it easier. This is just like any other skill. Saying no takes practice. Start with those smaller requests that feel less intimidating and gradually work your way up to the bigger ones. The more you practice, I promise you, the easier it will get. 

Now, I want to bring this into the workplace context because I know in vet medicine we're often expected to do more with less. More clients, more cases, but fewer resources, fewer team members, and less time. So we say yes because we want to be helpful. We want to be seen as eager or dependable or reliable or a team player. But again, saying yes all the time inevitably leads to burnout. And ironically, saying no can actually make you a stronger team player. Why? Because it allows you to focus on the tasks that matter most and to do them well. 

It prevents you from becoming overwhelmed and resentful. And it also models healthy behaviour for others, showing your team members and colleagues that it's okay to set limits. So here's a few tips for navigating how to say no in the workplace. 

Number one, take time to consider the request before jumping in with a yes or a no. Take a minute to evaluate. How much time is this going to take? How does this fit in with your current workload? Is it in line with your professional goals and aspirations? 

Then number two, offer an alternative. If saying no outright feels too difficult, could you offer an alternative solution? Maybe you can help in a smaller way, or maybe you can suggest another time when you'll be available to help. 

And then the third pointer is to communicate in person. Whenever possible, say no to somebody in person or face to face. Maybe over the phone if you have to. And the reason for that is because tone can be misinterpreted in text or email. So if you want to make your refusal clear, kind and respectful, and this is towards a person that you're going to see on a regular basis at work, then do it in person. 

So as we wrap up today's episode, I want to leave you with this. Setting boundaries is a form of self-care. It's not about being selfish or unhelpful. It's about recognizing your own needs and respecting them. By setting boundaries, you're protecting your mental and emotional health, which ultimately allows you to show up better in all areas of your life, whether that's at work, with your family, or in your other personal pursuits. 

Saying no really is a powerful tool in your wellness toolkit. And yes, I know that it might feel uncomfortable at first. And with practice, it gets easier. So next time someone asks you for more than you can give, remember that it is okay to say no. You are worth protecting your time and your energy. 

Now, I know sometimes it can be really helpful to have prompts that can just give us a little bit of an idea as to where to start in terms of getting the words out to communicate boundaries and say no. And so I'm happy to share with you that at reviving that med, we created a handout called Simple Statements for Setting Boundaries and Saying No. And on that handout, which you can print off and use as a poster in your practice or email to your team or just use for yourself, we have 10 statements for saying no and 10 statements for setting boundaries. 

And this just helps to give you a little bit of verbiage when you feel stuck, and you just don't know the words to say. So I will link to that in the show notes and if you go to revivingvetmed.com/boundaries you will be redirected to a signup page where you can subscribe to our monthly newsletter and get a download of that PDF. So please do take advantage of that as well. 

So I want to leave you with just one more thing before we finish off, and that is to encourage you to seek support. If you are a person who has a really difficult time setting boundaries, it might be helpful for you to talk to someone about that. Whether it is a support group, a counsellor, a therapist, a life coach, a friend, or even a mentor. 

Many of us, myself included, were raised to believe that saying no was not allowed or that setting boundaries was not okay. And for that reason, we have carried these belief systems into our adult life. And perhaps we've also had relationships that we've experienced where it wasn't safe for us to say no or speak up for what we needed. And those experiences and that upbringing can really inform how we interact with others in our adult life, specifically how we assert ourselves in terms of our needs and our limits. 

So I can speak from personal experience that it has been really helpful for me to connect with a therapist when it comes to my ability to set healthy boundaries and say no, especially in my more intimate relationships. And so again, if this is a challenge for you and you see that this is a pattern for you, that for whatever reason, you know what to do, you know what to say, but you just can't seem to do it, I am telling you now that it will beneficial for you to reach out to a mental health professional or someone else who is trained in helping with boundary setting. 

I do a lot of coaching around boundary setting, and I also strongly advocate for mental health support in this area. So I will leave you with that and affirm that you are not alone if this is an area that you struggle with and there are ways that you can get through this and be able to do this in your everyday life. 

So that's it for this episode of Reviving Vet Med. I hope this conversation about boundaries and saying no has inspired you to set some limits or say no to some things in your life for the sake of your health and wellbeing. 

Please take a moment to forward this episode to a colleague or a coworker who you think would benefit. And we would also appreciate it if you would subscribe to the podcast so that you are sure to get the new episodes as soon as they drop. 

If you're interested in the resources I mentioned in today's episode, please check out the show notes. 

You can also follow us on social media @RevivingVetMed for more tips and strategies for wellbeing in veterinary medicine. If you have questions about today's episode, suggestions for future topics, or inquiries about sponsorship, please email us at podcast@revivingvetmed.com. 

I'd like to thank Asia and her team at BearBeat Productions for producing this episode, and I'd also like to thank you for listening through to the end. I hope you'll tune in next time. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Bye for now.